Hope

 

September 23, 2024

Caregiving is not for the faint of heart. But sometimes it is thrust on you and you just have to do what you have to do. But we also do it for love of the person you are taking care of. It's been 8 1/2 years since my husband needed to retire on disability. Each year finding him losing more and more of himself and his abilities. I found that I could do things that I never thought I would have to do. It does take a toll on both of us. Some days I fail and others I hope have better results. Just when you think you've got a handle on it, something new comes up and changes the routine. This year, my caregiving duties expanded a little. Our son was dealing with cancer that just didn't seem to want to let go of him. It has spread several times, but he has always fought it. I was able to help him out by driving him to appointments mostly. I feel like our time together has brought us a little closer than we had been. I am grateful for that. Now, more recently, another close family member has also been diagnosed with a cancer. When will this stop? I can't take this anymore! Why?! All questions I have been asking myself. There are no answers, of course. But I do try to keep my positive attitude. I credit it with my being able to deal with all of this that life has given us, yes, good and bad things both.

I turned another corner this week. After not being able to cry for anything, happy or sad, the last few years, I have cried two days in a row now. Yesterday, I noticed that our niece's church where she is the pastor, offered to add people's names to have prayers said for them. It came at the right time as our family has recently had a third case of cancer hit us. I gave the three names and watched the service streamed on YouTube. As our niece said their names and she also added to pray for those who care for these persons, I finally had a cry. It just got to me. Cancer needs to leave us alone. But I thanked her later and told her how much it meant and that her sermon also applied to me this week.

Today, I had a routine maintenance checkup on our furnace. The technician had gotten lost coming because of an address mixup and when he called I made sure he had the correct address and I told him that we have a wheelchair ramp in front of our house. He was a new guy that hadn't been here before and was very nice. As he was leaving, he, a complete stranger, told me that I was doing a very good thing and repeated it again to me. Somehow I knew exactly what he meant and thanked him and promptly began to cry again. Someone out of the blue noticed and cared.

I feel better now than I have in the last few months. I know that all I needed was to cry. It has always cleared my mind and made me feel again.

Such a simple thing that I know doesn't solve any of my problems, but it somehow makes, me anyway, able to go back and deal with all of the things that need to be done.

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